repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize