good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
