Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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