I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
