i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
