so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
