This is not my ceiling
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
