I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize