There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
