i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
