Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
