A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
