I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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