I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize