i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
