Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
