He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
