I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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