I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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