I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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