How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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