Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize