I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
