You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
