So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
