Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
