i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
