We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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