mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
