my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
