Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
