His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
