then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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