How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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