nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
This girl is more easily done than said...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
