you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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