This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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