So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
