i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
