i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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