Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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