38 yer olds are good kisserssss
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
