She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
