Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
