You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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