so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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