Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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