I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Randomize
