Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
