Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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