Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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