Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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