I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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