Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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