..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Randomize
