thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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