It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
