It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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