Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He felt like a one man threesome
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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