I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
