when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
