final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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