She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
