You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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