$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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