Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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